The selfless act of self-centredness

"The Frowning Of A Lifetime" by Hey Mercedes

Some days you can't help but wake up helpless
The window world has got you all arms ready and
Although I want to cheer you up in the worst way
I can only muscle down a frown
Some days I can't help but wake up helpless
This Goodnight girl has got me all arms ready and
She might sell them all but I can tell
The worth of her three weary words
Not what you would guess
Bow (check) arrow (check) apple (check) Run for your life
The ride is on fireAll in tuneAll of this abandon
I can barely stand itAll in tuneThere is a lifetime of fun stuck between
The machinery of your memoryGo get it
This certain sickness that's sure to spin you
But there's remedy in a formula that reads
Easy as one two thirteenKelly got caughtThinking on the clock
All in TuneLady is a ravenNew Eleanora Fagan
All in TuneWhen you come toWill you come true
Moving like a cloudCovering your tongue
Breathing out curls ofSmoke into the worldI'm never gonna find you
Never will remind youTo cover up your breath
When you're back up at the desk
Shiver in a stormWe dance to keep warmTouhy Ave two-step
As animated as I getThe frowning of a lifetime
It always is the right time
Go ahead and try

Not too longer ago, life meant 5 to 6 days of green uniform and 1 or 2 days of tees and jeans. Apart from the occasional jolts of realty check during weekends, the remaining part of my passe life then was a pointless physical and mental treadmill-like workout. Except maybe the objective was not to complete the longest distance in the shortest time but to act weary regardless of how much you actually ran. The average singaporean male who shares the same 2 1/2 yrs fate as me understands this all too familiar lingo called "WAYANG". It is a skill that not all armed forces in the world understands or even heard of it. It is our national pride and top secret against external threats. Yah right.

On a serious note, life then was simple. Booking in to camp was like returning to Jurraisic Park. No, im not talking about the violence and ruthless slaughtering of life form. I'm referring to the incubator-like environment. Its like we were all shielded from worldly affairs. As if the whole world has reduced to just one camp and there we were running on our designated treamill of pointless exercises and duties. Despite the frustration and haplessness, it was a life that granted us the perfect excuse for being apathetic about the world outside. Hence, no worries.

Who is able to foretell that 2 years later, I will be blogging about the unpredictable globe with its crazy tales of disasters, wars and violence. The incessant pile up of news about violence and catastrophes no longer render the shocking dismay which we have grown immune to. Back in the yesteryears, maybe we might still feel emotional about such news. However, ever since our innocence was robbed on that faithful Sept 11, we have become de-sensitised. So what if theres another hostage held by insurgents, so what if there is a pandemic approaching, so what if theres explosion in the cities of Indonesia or Thailand? Its saddening but what can we do about it?

Is there an invisible self-correcting mechanism that exists but the "gei kiang" people just had to mess things up by implementing seemingly useful but in actual fact redundant measures to screw up this world further? A certain degree of self-centredness is essential regardless of how generous and helpful you are. Sometimes the more you help, the more damage you bring about. A little revision on Confucius's saying mentioned that one has to help oneself first before extending help to others. You dont have to be Confucius to understand such a simple logic. So it's time somebody wake up and find out why Bill Clinton is still so popular and loved.

Angels in Distress

"King of New Orleans" by Better than Ezra

There's an angel on the stairs(as if you'd even care)
When the lights go up,and the sun has nearly gone down.
Did you see him on the street?Did you pass him at your feet?
Did you think aloud,"how dare they even look me in the eye'?
And he loves the girls.And he loves the boys.
Going to make twenty dollars before the weekends over.
So set him up,Let him fall.Turn him over in your hands.
God save the King of New Orleans.Got a ticket to a show.
Going to see him take a blow.
When the drunk one said,"Cat Sssstevens was the greatest singer!"
And did you kick him in the head?Did you see the blood run down?
Did you laugh at all when the people walked right by
and said aloud,"You gutter punks are all the same."
Probably make twenty dollars 'fore the weekends over."?
So set him up,Then let him fall.Turn him over in your hands.
God save the King of New Orleans.Radio in my head.Radio in that car.
Going down again,he's going down again....
Anyway you look, anyway you talk it over.
It's easier to let it slip out of your mind.But it rips your heart out.
Then it kicks your head in.Just give him one more chance,
try to see the beauty in his world.All the way in on my hands,
in on my feet,and shoulders.
Going to make twenty dollars before the weekends over.
So set him up,Then let him fall.Turn him over in your hands.
God save the King of New Orleans.God save the King of New Orleans.

Its always about the same time that i see him walking along the same pavements, holding the same packet of teh, daunting the same ruffled tees and stained shorts. His strides were large and hopeful like a soldier who had fought a war; tired but glad.

His mood and shabby state is a classical mismatch that we can't understand, or rather will not understand. Isn't that right? How often do we feel unsatisfied and unhappy even when we are already living so comfortably. It is truly ironic. Even though he looks really poor, he is happier than anyone passing him by in posh sedans and designer clothes. He is richer than anyone in his knowledge and understanding about contentment. Perhaps the sheer feeling of existence and feeling alive is the ultimate elixir that scientists can never replicate for unhappy mankind.

If angels exists, i guess they don't come in cliche packages with wings and fairy wands. I reckon them to be messengers dropping subtle hints in our everyday lives. Guiding us in ways that sometimes we dismiss in the buzz of our crazy hectic schedules. If things could slow down a little, if we can appreciate life a little more, we might be a little happier. Easier said than done. After all confusion isnt helping in our quest for happiness. Are we chasing the right things in life? Material gains and fame... do they really bring about happiness?

Jumble scramble

"Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year" by Fall Out Boy

Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light
We're the therapists pumping through your speakers
Delivering just what you need
We're well read and poised We're the best boys
We're the chemists who've found the formula
To make your heart swell and burst
No matter what they say, don't believe a word
Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it
I'll keep singing this lie I'll keep singing this lie
We're traveled like gypsies
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to loveBut then we grew old
We're the lifers here till the bitter end
Condemned from the start
Ashamed of the way The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts
Cause I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie
Are we growing up or just going down
It's just a matter of time until we're all found outtake our tears and put them on ice
I'd burn this city down to show you the light
There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up
And another around to help us bend your trust
I've got a sunset in my veins
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay
The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie,"I hope you sing along and you steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind

I swear if evolution exists, our ancestors had traits of sadomasochism and when it works its way down to our generation, traces of evidence just gets blown up and mushroom everyway. It is not difficult to spot such fascinating instances:

1) We slack n nap in the day time and end up toiling thru the night to read up for exams.

2) We worry so much before the papers and worry even more after the exams and worry much much more when the results are out.

3) We discuss about the questions even after the papers have ended just so to derive pleasure from the knowledge of a possible deficit of X marks. (And the more we discuss, the more it hurts but the habit just ensues.)

4) We dream about the exams even after the exams are over as if the exam fever is like a romantic boat ride in Venice that we can never bear to let go.

5) We become so used to the exam routine that our body clock doesnt permit us to sleep anything more than 8 hours.

Just from these 5 examples, we can identify sadomasochism in the average Singaporean student. Tormenting oneself with disturbing thoughts of disgusting grades does not help in any way. Its not as if the more you worry the more marks you can claim (machiam refund).

However, how do we explain the intriguing phenomena of students doing just that even with the resounding fact that marks cant be "reimbursed" by worrying? Of course, this is when our inate ability to derive pleasure from sick stints kicks in.

Perhaps its the heart-thumping feeling fuelled by culminating post-exam worries, perhaps its the sensation of sweaty palms and armpits, perhaps its the jibberish chatter that takes control of your gap. Doesnt make sense? That is SM isnt it? How does the crackle of whips and chains stimulate sexual experience? How does dripping melted wax heighten the heat of passion? Exactly, it doesnt make sense cos all these are deemed sick.

So the next time you are tempted to discuss a certain paper after your exam, think twice and picture a whip and chain in your head. Does that stimulate you? Well, I would like to believe that we are all normal. Yes, what is done inside the exam halls stay within the hall, no point carrying excess baggage only to weigh yourself down with useless thoughts and worries. But don't be too harsh on yourself if you cant fight the temptation cos after all we can blame it on the jumble scramble of genetic habits; thanks to our SM-loving stone-age ancestors.